Do you ever feel like hiding?
Photo by Roman Skrypnyk on Unsplash
For the past 5 months, I have found myself hiding in a cave, well not literally. But that’s how best to describe my withdrawal from a lot of social things.
When I think of the various things that led to this reaction, I can cite 3 major reasons.
Expectations: I was hiding away from the expectations of people around me. Or perhaps, what I presumed were their expectations of me. I shied away from contacting them for fear of hearing the disappointment or concern in their voices. So a little snippet of how we got here, I came into the US in 2019 to begin my master's degree, with vast expectations of what my life will look like post-grad. But I was in for a big shock when life didn’t turn out to be the wonderful picture I had in mind. I struggled with several job rejections, which were mainly because of my visa status. At some point, I began to feel slightly ashamed when I thought of where I “should be” at this stage of my career, forgetting that I was making progress daily.
Pressure: The second big factor was pressure. This came a lot in the question of “so what’s next”? “so you haven’t gotten a job”? “so what’s going on in your life”? “why are you not considering a Ph.D.?” Sincerely I was tired of all these questions. I wished I wouldn’t have to constantly face them, especially when it came from people who made me wonder: why are you so curious? From this experience, I began to learn that I don’t owe everyone an explanation of what goes on in my life, and it's okay to not react to everything I hear.
Comparison: Yes, this was real! The feeling of comparing myself with other people. I didn’t want to keep comparing my life with other people, especially when I knew deep down that in this life we are not all on the same trajectory, and we have all been blessed in different ways. But even with all I knew, I couldn’t help but wish sometimes that I was the one having those things or achieving that status.
So with all these three factors, I didn’t need any more major events to show me that I needed to pause. And sincerely, that has been one of the best decisions for my life during this season. I saw how taking a break and being intentional about myself led to a dramatic change. I finally learned to shut the outside voices, I dug deep into realigning my mind and thoughts with what God’s word says about me, I developed a better and healthier relationship with the people around me, and I found peace and joy even in the midst of all I was going through. Right now, I am truly grateful for the privilege to have taken this space.
