When you think you always have it worse

At first, I thought it was just Nigerians that were so good at this but then I came across other foreigners on LinkedIn comparing their experiences.  They felt that those who they thought had it better had no right to air their grievances.

I will not say I haven’t been guilty of this. Recently I have had to bring self-awareness to my speech, especially when listening to people share their experiences. 

I had an experience recently with a friend and I fell into the trap of comparing my situation with hers. She was vulnerable enough to share her story but I was quick to say, "oh really, is that it?" In my ears right now, that sounds so crude. But at that time, I thought I was justified because I believed I had it worse. How could she be complaining about a long-distance relationship when her boyfriend lived just a four-hour train ride away and mine lived a 17-hour flight away. She had no right to complain. 

When I got into bed that night and reflected on my day, I realized what I had done. I had just invalidated the emotions of another person, using my personal experience as a yardstick. And I had probably just lost all chance for future vulnerabilities from this person. She needed to be heard, not to be compared to someone in a situation that wasn’t her own reality.

I apologized to her as quickly as I realized it that night. Then I started thinking to myself about how this is common to us as humans— always using the lens of our experiences to judge the actions of other people without seeking to understand what they truly feel. The fact that you can handle it doesn’t mean the same for the other person, and the fact the other person has a different experience from yours which you think is less severe doesn’t invalidate the pain, hurt, or other emotions the person feels.

Next time you feel tempted to compare your experiences with another as though it was a competition for who has the greater loss, just remember that in that moment what matters is what the person feels and that’s all you should draw a comparison to. Though you might feel your pain is greater, which could be true but that’s not helpful to the speaker in the current situation. 

At that moment, we all just want to be heard and feel heard.