Help! I can’t say no
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Help!! I can’t say no but I am burned out and I love my friends. Does this sound familiar? I have been there several times where I have felt like—just help this person one more time, just stay for one more hour, just do that extra chore, just run that last errand, just pick up the last call and the list is endless...
For some of us, we find it hard to set boundaries. We find it hard to say no. We find it hard to honor our limits or know when to stop because we have always been "goody-two-shoes"—an identity that I built my life purpose around. Also, sometimes our misinterpretation of what it means to love one another keeps us in the loop of giving till we are burned out.
Now for me, this problem all started with enjoying the validation that comes from being helpful and also the identity I had of myself as being kind and helpful, but then resentment begins to trickle in when it’s hard to keep up with the act of always being the helper and seldom the helped. It starts with friends loving you only when you are there for them or feeling like you ought to always be there for them. So, you think you might be labeled a bad friend if you couldn’t be there in the toughest hour. It starts with giving up your time just because the other person "seems" to need it more than you do. It just always ends up with putting our feelings down because we think the other person needs it more.
I have been there on several occasions but not anymore. Now I am learning to honor my emotions and honor my needs. On the queue of "please I need your help”, I come first and then take care of others next. Now, that could be misunderstood as selfishness but no, that’s just wisdom. When you take care of yourself first, you build an abundance of love and care which you give to others.
It’s no wonder the Bible says “love your neighbor as yourself which has become misinterpreted as love your neighbor more than yourself.
Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t invalidate the place of making sacrifices for those you love or being there for our loved ones. It's about recognizing your limits and keeping to them. It is very important that we know that boundaries are not bad! Boundaries are the pillars for a healthy relationship. They help us stay true and not lose ourselves in the lives of others. I love the way it is written in Boundaries, an amazing book by Henry Cloud & John Townsend, "Boundaries define 'what is me' and 'what Is not me'."
Since I started setting boundaries, I have enjoyed a more peaceful and freer life. I enjoy the freedom of only taking on things I can handle - without feeling regret. I have enjoyed loving people without getting weary, burned out, frustrated or resentful - and my relationships have flourished as a result.
Here are some tips from my personal experience that have helped me on this journey
Practice saying no in relationships where you feel valued, loved and supported
Say no without feeling the need to always explain or justify your choice
Have honest conversations with friends who make a lot of demands from you
Take time off relationships that are exhausting if the other party fails to respect your boundaries
Recognize when people are trying to guilt-trip you into getting things done for them and choose not to fall for it
Embrace your identity in Christ that you are deeply loved by God —so you do not need to seek that validation from other people by meeting their needs
Get comfortable with saying no regardless of the rejection it might bring because your validation is in Christ not in men
Come to the understanding that you can't be everything for everyone as much as you would love to.
Finally, friends, love yourself. Take care of yourself. Honor your needs. You are important too. You are valuable- not just because I say so but because that's how God sees you!
