Searching for Happiness in the wrong places

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

I wanted to get married in 2020 at the age of 25. So it’s 2021, I am 25 going on 26, and I am not married yet. Am I sad? not at all but rather I am grateful because 2020 was a turning point in my life. I grew, I became a better version of myself, I learned things about myself which I am grateful I discovered before stepping into marriage, and I can confidently say that I became more emotionally mature which is so important for successful relationships.

So, I will be sharing one of the things I learned in this phase of my life and it is: Do not depend on anyone or anything to bring you lifelong happiness, not even your most intimate relationships.

I grew up depending on others to satisfy my emotional needs. Perhaps, because I grew up as a sickly child- always going in and out of the hospital for one reason or the other. I grew up learning to depend heavily on my mother to be there for me, to make me feel better when I was in so much pain and to tell me I would be okay. Till today, even though I am an adult, I still find it hard to be strong for myself when I am sick. That’s one area I became hugely dependent on people. I remember in my relationships and friendships, there were several times I would be angry at my friend and my partner because I was looking for that same kind of nurture from them. It might seem insignificant when I am angry but that's how much I have come to depend on others to fill that need.

Now, this need for affection transcended my physical needs to also include my emotional needs. When I got into a relationship with my partner, it was a struggle. Not because I didn’t have a partner who 100% gave his all to make me happy in the relationship but because I had made my partner the sole reason why I should be happy. I would get angry when I thought my emotional needs weren't met as par my standard. If I was stressed out, and he couldn't be there, I would get so frustrated. I depended on him to say the right words when I needed to hear it, and when he couldn’t do this, I would flip that he didn’t understand my situation. I depended on his presence to just be happy. And you can imagine how draining that could be—for him, and me.

The times I expected his call, I would go about with my phone strapped to my jeans like a paramedic, just so I wouldn’t miss his call. And when the call finally came, I would become so hurt that I had waited a long time or if the call never came, I became miserable. He became that one thing and one person that I needed to have in my life to be happy and to stay happy. Going to graduate school, and having to manage a long-distance relationship didn’t make life any better. Now, more than ever I needed that emotional support because grad school is tough both physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I can't exactly pinpoint when I grew this emotionally dependent on my partner, but I can pretty much guess it began in a phase where I was so stressed out and instead of leaning on Jesus, I chose to lean on my partner to solve all my problems and be what only God could be for me. Then in the year 2020, my life changed forever. I began this cleanse course by DDK in the immerse inner circle and I realized that there were so many issues I had left unaddressed in my emotional life.

It was a vulnerable period of my life, discovering things about me and addressing them—not by my strength though but with the Holy Spirit’s help. So for a year now, I have been learning what it means to be responsible for creating my happiness. To be there for me. To show up for me when I need it. Recently, I was feeling sad again when my partner couldn’t be there for me when I needed him, and God just reminded me of these words- "You are complete in me". You don’t need anyone or anything to make you happy. You don’t need people to fill the void that only I can fill. These words are changing my need to lean on others to provide the love and care only God can give. I have gone through tough times when I have wanted that to come from others but God keeps reminding me that I am complete in him. All I need is in him.

Also, part of establishing healthy boundaries in my relationships is knowing that this other person is not responsible for my happiness, but that I am responsible for meeting my needs and wants.

I know there are times in our lives when people come through for us but the danger comes in making them solely responsible for our emotions or our happiness. From this day, choose to ‘create’ your happiness, and when you feel disappointed by people’s inability to meet your needs, remember that you are complete in Christ and He is that one person who is always there to meet your needs.